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Monday, August 10, 2009

Dear So & So

Sit back because this one is going to be a doozie...

Dear Paula Dean, 
I'm going to be frank. I do NOT like you. I want to punch you in the face every time I hear you pronounce the word butter, "butta". Not everyone wants a whole stick of it in every. single. thing. they eat. Also I've lived in the south and when you say "ya'll" it sounds forced. I do not like you, I have never liked you and I will forever not be a fan. Sale your hams somewhere else.
Hater, 
Jen

Dear Heat Index, 
If you could please pretty please lower yourself this week that would be great. I do like having to reapply make up non stop because I've sweated it off. Does it really need to be 94 degrees every.single.day? I think not. 
Please cool down,
Jen

Dear "Friends" who never speak to me anymore,
You are no better than you think you are. I was nothing but nice to you. I went out of my way for you and always had a smile on my face. I know that you have things going on in your life but you'll realize one day that it's not about the things you have, or that fair weather friend who you opted to hang out with. Instead it's about the people who stick with you in the good times and bad. 
Party of one, 
Jen

Dear Television show Big Brother, 
Thank you. No really I mean it. You help me escape my life not 1 night but 3 nights a week. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be making it through the summer with my sanity. I don't know what I'll do without you once you say goodbye this fall.
Your biggest fan,
Jen

Dear Frank Sherwood, 
You are by far the hottest Army Officer , Soldier , Man I have ever seen. If you were really real, I would fight Denise to the death for you. The way you handle every situation, you should be a guide line for all men. And by the way, I think it's safe to say that many women feel this way. You are seasoned and did I mention extremely attractive. I mean so hot, I have to turn my AC up just a little bit more. 
Please marry me,
Jen

Dear Work,
Pick a schedule and stick to it. You're starting to piss me off. 
Annoyed,
Jen
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35 comments:

  1. Herding ChaosAugust 10, 2009 at 9:31 AM

    I love these Dear So & So letters that some bloggers are doing. I may need to start them up!

    lol and my feelings on Frank have definitely turned around for the better now, I am liking him more and more this season!

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  2. AnonymousAugust 10, 2009 at 9:33 AM

    Hahah, sorry to laugh. But "Dear Paula Dean?" I hate her too. I am so glad someone finally came right out and said it. She is ridiculous. She can take her butter and stuff it! And she probably will - right into a turkey. Ha!

    Tell your fake "friends" who don't talk to you to go eat some butter!

    Yeah, take that.

    I'm with you sister.

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  3. hmbAugust 10, 2009 at 9:39 AM

    I like Frank now that he isn't being a total tailhole

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  4. a.l.b.August 10, 2009 at 9:55 AM

    dear so and so letters are SO theraputic! you always feel better after you write them!

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  5. "Cookie"August 10, 2009 at 10:03 AM

    Now that's just not nice about Paula Dean! LOL....too funny!

    Feel better after getting that off your chest? Sure hope so!

    Have a good one!

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  6. KatieAugust 10, 2009 at 10:14 AM

    I HATE PAULA DEAN TOO!!! I'm sorry lady but I don't want to have a side of heart attack with every meal!

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  7. ~Mrs. Guru~August 10, 2009 at 10:26 AM

    I totally agree with you on all of them and Mr. Guru hates Paula Dean!

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  8. AnnieAugust 10, 2009 at 10:40 AM

    ha too funny! love the post hun!
    hope all the venting made you feel better ;)

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  9. AnonymousAugust 10, 2009 at 10:41 AM

    I like some of the stuff that Paula Dean makes, but I cannot stand her accent. You are right about the ya'll, for sure. We have to turn the channel when we hear her talking.

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  10. The Mrs.August 10, 2009 at 11:17 AM

    awww, I hate to admit it but I love me some paula deen. Someone needs to be helping out the butter industry.

    But frank? I just dont see it....

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  11. StephAugust 10, 2009 at 11:22 AM

    I also love the Dear So & So letters. No idea who Paula Dean is but I totally agree with the Mr. Heat Index letter.

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  12. AllisonAugust 10, 2009 at 11:30 AM

    Between Mr. Heat Index and Frank Sherwood it's pretty amazing you don't just go up in smoke. He IS awfuly smokin'.

    I think you should make copies of your butt at bad work times and mail them to friends who no longer talk to you.

    But I love Paula Dean! When she was on "wait, wait, don't tell me" I laughed until I cried.

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  13. SaraAugust 10, 2009 at 12:51 PM

    Ha, I love this. Can't say I agree entirely on Paula Deen but she's not my favorite. Sandra Lee has topped my list of most annoying human being on the planet and I really hate just about everything she does. Her table scapes are so overdone, her guests probably can't even see each other over the crap on her table.

    People tell me that Mark looks and sounds like Frank. In the first season I freaked out about that because he was being such a controlling a-hole. That being said, denise officially needs to go away.

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  14. Children of the 90sAugust 10, 2009 at 1:01 PM

    The Paula Dean one cracks me up...I'm with you on it, though I may get kicked out of the south for saying so!

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  15. UnknownAugust 10, 2009 at 1:12 PM

    I totally need to do a "dear" post:p these are just so funny and I love reading them:p

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  16. Pretty ZestyAugust 10, 2009 at 1:40 PM

    AHAHAHA I HATE Paula Dean too! I've never been tempted by anything she makes. Just gross!

    I also just wrote up a post about Food Network Drinking games...NO PAULA! Although, I bet you could take a drink every time she uses buttER!

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  17. RachaelAugust 10, 2009 at 1:54 PM

    Frank Sherwood does have an amazing character, but General Holden's deep, deep voice gets me every time. lol. Its almost embarassing!

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  18. KatieAugust 10, 2009 at 2:15 PM

    I loved this! What a cute idea!

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  19. SamanthaAugust 10, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    Friggin hilarious!!!! :) I agree with all of the above! Good for you.

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  20. DrewAugust 10, 2009 at 3:31 PM

    I agree with you on all of the above! Especially Paula Dean! I mean sure, butter is good and it makes for good cooking but damn woman we don't all want to end up looking like you! (Though I would totally love to end up with her $$$) She really annoys the crap out of me as does that Sandra Lee or whatever her name is. Rachel Ray and I aren't tv friends either...

    Actually, come to think of it I only like Giada, Ina and that old italian woman on the public tv series! :-)

    I feel you on the friends thing... Sometimes it's just best to move on and find new, more positive friends.

    Also, even though I'm not working right now I totally feel you on the schedule thing. It was one of the biggies that led me to swear off retail work. Not having a consistent schedule wears on you.

    I hope everything starts looking up soon!

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  21. The Queen of ClearanceAugust 10, 2009 at 3:41 PM

    wow! At least you got it all out of your system, thats healthier than keeping it all bottles up! I hope these annoying things start to get better!

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  22. MeredithAugust 10, 2009 at 3:50 PM

    these are hilarious!!

    although -- i really LOVE paula deen's red velvet cake :o)

    frank sherwood -- is a NICE looking man and much nicer this season!!!

    big brother is my new obsession!

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  23. UnknownAugust 10, 2009 at 6:52 PM

    HAHA you are yoo funny!!! Love it!

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  24. CassandraAugust 10, 2009 at 8:10 PM

    Changing shifts is poo! I hated not having a set roster! I say butta too (I think) but I'm Australian and its my accent so you have to love me anyway lol.

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  25. JaxAugust 10, 2009 at 9:12 PM

    Super cute blog! The Paula Dean thing made me laugh out loud...

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  26. AbbieAugust 10, 2009 at 9:21 PM

    Amen to ALL of pthat sister!!

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  27. AnonymousAugust 10, 2009 at 11:19 PM

    haha these letters are hilarious! I love the paula dean one!

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  28. SunderAugust 10, 2009 at 11:52 PM

    Love it!!!! But, who is Frank and wat show is he on?? I use to love Big Bro, but this year I just never hopped on that wagon and who doesn't hate Paula - she's awful (I'm from the South and you're right, totally forced, she's probably actually from Wisconsin)! I'm going to have to write one of these so and so letters...

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  29. GUAMtasticAugust 11, 2009 at 5:03 AM

    I love you. Let me just throw that out there ;)

    I'm back from Singapore and I missed you!!!

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  30. my life isnt easy but its the only one i gotAugust 11, 2009 at 5:20 AM

    That is such a great Idea. I dont think I have ever heard that dear so and so. I would have to disagree on that army guy being the hottest cause well you know I think I am high up there. LOL but Thank you for posting that.

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  31. SSAugust 11, 2009 at 12:30 PM

    I love Big Brother! Thought of you when I saw Paula on TV last night peddlin' some pork products. lol.

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  32. AnonymousAugust 11, 2009 at 2:21 PM

    Hi there! Love your blog and this post is my favorite! Lol

    I watched big brother until my good friend Casey got kicked off... Booo

    Anyway, I totally agree with you about Frank Sherwood. Yum!

    A New Fan,
    Lori

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  33. AnonymousAugust 11, 2009 at 2:24 PM

    Wow... Lol.

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  34. Troy and RachelAugust 12, 2009 at 12:01 AM

    I LOVE every Paula Dean recipe. I would put a whole stick of "butta" in everything, but I care to much about what I look/feel like so I refuse to make her recipes! Ahh I am a fat girl at heart let me tell you!

    I am with you on the "friends" thing. The worst is when people call that I haven't talked to in awhile and they say "how is your hubby doing," hello what about me?!

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  35. In This Wonderful LifeAugust 12, 2009 at 10:52 AM

    This is great!! Way to speak your mind! Girl, send these letters!!

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I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and know that I truly appreciate you taking the time to read about my crazy shenanigans :)