If I Were...

I've been seeing this on a ton of blogs so I decided to join in.

If I were a month, I would be... June. It's my birthday month and it's truly the summer.
If I were a day of the week, I would be Wednesday. As odd as it may sound, I always know I'll be off work that day.

If I were a time of day, I would be 8:00pm. That's when the good tv shows start. 
If I were a planet, I would be Pluto. It'll always be a planet to me.
If I were a sea animal, I would be a sea turtle. I'm obsessed with them. I also look for them at aquariums.
If I were a direction, I would be South. I'm all about the warm weather. 
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be a comfy couch. 
If I were a liquid, I would be sprite zero. I'm addicted to that stuff. 
If I were a gemstone, I would be an emerald. I love them. 
If I were a tree, I would be a cherry blossom tree. I've seen them bloom and they are breathtaking.  
If I were a tool, I would be a wrench. They always come in handy.
If I were a flower, I would be a peony. Peonies are my favorite flower. 
If I were a kind of weather, I would be the hot blistering sun. Can you tell I'm tired of the winter?
If I were a musical instrument, I would be a clarinet. I totally rocked that back in the day.
If I were a color, I would be green. It's one of my faves. 
If I were an emotion, I would be happy. I like being happy. 
If I were a fruit, I would be a strawberry. It's the only fruit I actually like. 
If I were a sound, I would be laughter. I love to laugh and hear people laugh.
If I were an element, I would wind. I always think of car trips and the wind in my hair. 
If I were a car, I would be a black range rover. Ohhhh how I want one.
If I were a food, I would be a french fry or chicken strip. Yum
If I were a place, I would be London. That city is amazing and I love it there.
If I were a material, I would be silk. It's so smooth.
If I were a taste, I would be like coconut. 
If I were a scent, I would be like my car freshener which is currently black cherry.
If I were an object, I would be a remote. 
If I were a body part, I would be a nose. 
If I were a facial expression, I would be a smile. Smiles are good!
If I were a song, I would be anything but "On the wings of love". I would be U2's With or Without You.
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be sperry shoes. I love them! I want a new pair for the summer!

Dear So & So: The Bachelor Edition

I don't know how many of you watch the show or tuned in for the finale last night but wow!

I had heard rumors (thanks to realitysteve) on who won. Sadly, he was correct. I was hoping the whole time he'd be wrong. Anyways, I've decided to dedicate this edition of Dear So & So to the show. Enjoy!

Dear Chris Harrison, 

I love you, I really do. I'm one of your biggest cheerleaders. I think you have balls of steel but tell me the truth. Did you vomit in your mouth a little bit on the day Jake chose Vienna? or How about last night when they started sucking face right in front of you? Do you tune her out when she speaks to you? 

Sincerely, still loving you.

Dear "On the Wings of Love" Song, 

I never, ever, EVER want to hear you again. I thought I had finally escaped you as the montage of Vienna and Jake played in the season finale. However, you got me again on the After the Rose ceremony, where you actually had the balls to bring out the original guy to sing. Gag. If I would have had a fork handy, I would have stabbed my ears. 

Sincerely, hate in the heart. 

Dear Tenley, 

No pun intended (ok maybe a little bit) but you are a 10! You showed more class last night than most people do their entire lives. If it would have been me, I would have either bitch slapped Jake or kicked him in the man parts. I don't know how you continued to smile and thank him while being sincere. You have class girl and don't worry, you'll find someone who really does appreciate you. 

Sincerely, one of your newest fans

Dear Jake,

Congrats man. You chose Vienna much the surprise of the world. I hope you enjoy the maybe 6 months you guys last. Once you get to hang out on an everyday basis and she moves in (that you mentioned) I'm sure you'll be kicking yourself for picking someone so immature. Also, I caught the "It's not you, it's me" speech you gave Tenley on the boat. That was low class dude. Way low class.

Sincerely, good luck..

Dear Vienna, 

Did you get work done on your face? Because at the ATFR ceremony you looked a little different in the face. You actually kinda looked less drag queeness. I guess now that you have Jake, you have someone who can take your weave out at night for you so that's a plus. 

Sincerely, not a fan. 

They Strike Again!

Goodbye February. Hello March! 

Thank goodness another month is finally here. We're one day closer to warm weather, sunny vacations and life changing events! 

Ok....prepare yourself, there was another crazy neighbor incident this weekend. 

As mentioned in past posts, I have some ridiculous and obnoxious neighbors. You can read about the previous incidents here. The latest incident took place over this past weekend....

On Friday, I worked all day and late into the evening, around 9:00pm. I finally get in the car to start my drive home. I'm tired, hungry and getting crankier by the minute. I turn the last corner (because my house is located on the corner of a city block) and I notice a strange car is parked where I park my car every single day. My neighbors know that I park my car there. I know all of my neighbors and in the 2 years that I've lived here, I think we've all parked in the same spots. Let me stress that for you... 2 years of parking my car, then walking the 10 feet into my house.

So I pull up to my house and I realize there's no where to park. I realize that I'm going to have to park on the street and since street parking is limited that I'm going to have to park almost a full block away from my house to avoid blocking driveways which someone has parked in mine. I get pissed off and say Screw that! Then it hits me. I realize that about 3 houses down from mine there's a rental home and that new people have moved into it. The rental home does not have a garage or a driveway. So I realize it must be either them or someone visiting them. 

I don't know if it was because I had worked all day, was tired and hungry or what? But I snapped. This is my own home! I should not have to park a block away and have to hoof it in the freezing cold and snow. I own this joint! I shouldn't be forced to do that! So I came to a conclusion that had 3 options. 1. I could either double park on them and block them into my own driveway so they would have to come knock on my door and face me. 2. Leave a note on their windshield, giving them the 411 on parking in not so many kind words or 3. Lay on my horn until someone came outside. 

What did I do?

I blocked them into my own driveway. I forced them to have to come to my door, knock and explain to me that they did indeed park in a driveway that is not theirs. AND not only is it not theirs, it's not even on their side of the street. I don't think they'll ever park in my driveway again after the speech I gave them. I was pissed! 

And what made my blood boil even more was the fact that they didn't see anything wrong with parking there. Um...hello, it's not your house, which means it's not your driveway, which means you don't get to park there!