Guess Who's Back?

Hello!!!

And here you probably thought I killed over! Fooled you! I'm alive and well. Well... as well as you can be when you're 23 weeks pregnant and still experiencing morning sickness.

That's right! That's where I've been. I've been relaxing and growing a baby. Exciting news! It's also probably the most terrified and frightened I've ever been at the same time of excitement.

Have no fear... this won't become a mommy blog. I'll still be back in no time blogging about fun vacations (speaking of which I've been on several since my last post), watching great movies and decorating for the holidays (which is about to happen next week)

In the meantime let me leave you with this fun announcement...

My Miscarriage & Misoprostol Story

Before I begin this post, I want to preface it by saying that I'm going to express a lot of emotion. I haven't really talked about this experience with a lot of people. While it was unfolding the only people who knew were my husband, a coworker and my mother. I'm going to be really honest because if someone like me finds themselves in the same circumstance then maybe this can help. When I was going through it, I scoured the internet for any advice, what to expect, etc. I just wanted to feel like I wasn't the only one even though I know I am not.

Where to start? Let's start at the beginning. At the end of May, I hadn't started my period. For some people this isn't a big deal. Well for me, it is. I am a regular girl. I think I've only missed a period 2-3 times in my life and I've been having my menstrual cycle for two decades now. I had been really stressed out though and was interviewing for a promotion so I assumed that's what had caused me to not start (stress had been the cause before so it seemed plausible). I was waiting every day for it to just start. I kind of thought that I wouldn't start till the next month and tried not to worry about it.

A few days later, I started feeling tired a lot. Like I wasn't getting enough sleep even though I was sleeping all night which isn't really like me. Then I started noticing that I was feeling a little nauseous in the evenings. I started blaming that on the heat in the evenings on my drive home from work. Then just to ease my mind, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Well let me tell you what. That didn't ease my mind. I peed on the First Response pregnancy test and didn't even have to wait the 2-3 minute waiting period. That sucker popped hot instantly. Well that's an unsettling feeling. No matter how well prepared you are to have a baby it's still like OMG I'm going to have a baby!

So I thought what to do. This is the first time this had ever happened to me and I wasn't for sure what to do. I had to leave to go to a graduation party so that's what we did. I sat there on a folding chair most of the night figuring out if I call my primary doctor or reach out to my OBGYN who had been assigned to me yet I had never met. The online scheduler told me I couldn't make prenatal appointments so I was very confused. I e-mailed my primary doctor but it was the weekend so I knew I wasn't going to get a response. On Monday, I told my mom what was going on. I think that was the hardest thing I've ever had to tell my mom because I knew she wanted us to wait longer to have a baby. Then I went to the doctors office because my primary care doctor told me I could walk in for a blood test to confirm it.

The next day my blood work came back and it was confirmed. I had to do a phone call with the nurse to see where I was at weeks wise and then we would set up the appointments from there. When I talked to the nurse from the date of my last period we determined that I was 5 weeks pregnant. The first appointment is set at 8 weeks so that was it. We had a date of our first appointment and life went on. I started getting more and more nauseous as the days went on. I went on vacation and saw my mom, celebrated my birthday and then started the morning sickness. That was rough. Every morning I would be sick while trying to get ready for work and then feel nauseas the rest of the day. It was all I could do but to hope to go home every evening in my car with a paper bag hoping that I wouldn't have to pull over to vomit into it.

Finally we got to our ultrasound appointment. I was completely nervous and a little scared. We get to the appointment and they do all the regular check ups... blood pressure, weight etc. They get me into my room and I have to undress from the waist down and then they let my husband in. I had already pre-warned him that I wanted him to hold my hand once they inserted the wand for the ultrasound. Once it was in and we started seeing my uterus on the little black and white screen we were like, "Is the noise on?".

We had nothing but silence. My doctor immediately said, I don't think you're at 8 weeks. She's like all I see is a yolk sac (first time I'd ever heard that term). She was like there is no heartbeat and I don't see the fetal pole. She then started to explain to us what that could mean. Either 1) the math is off and I was less than 6 weeks or 2) It was going to be unviable (aka a miscarriage). She said the only thing we could do is come back in two weeks to see if my yolk sac had grew with a heartbeat. Longest two weeks ever. Really.

Two weeks later we get to the doctor and at this point I had mentally prepared for either scenario. I just wanted to know which one was going to become my reality. My husband had done the same. We had hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. Same situation, we go in and do the ultrasound. Immediately we knew with no sound. The yolk sac had grown itself but there was nothing inside it. Now it was official. I had a miscarriage.

I knew there was nothing I could do. I knew it wasn't my fault. I knew now that I was just going to have to keep moving forward. That's all anyone can do. So my doctor started explaining to us what would happen next. I was prescribed the drug Misoprostol and high dose Tylenol. I was given my instructions and left. Due to a work trip that I had to take the next day, I knew that I couldn't take them till I got back. My doctor had stressed that you really need to be at home and have no plans for awhile. So until then I scoured the internet reading everyone's story on their experience with taking this drug.

Three days later, I took Misoprostol. And Oh my God! I literally thought I was going to die. I am not kidding or over exaggerating. It was by far the worst I have ever felt in my life. I read all these stories of how women were like "Oh it's just heavy period cramps". Um NO! I've had heavy period cramps and this felt like full on labor cramping (or at least what I now imagine it to feel like). I literally begged the heavens above for me to either pass out or fall asleep. I was this close to asking my husband to punch me in the face to knock me out. That's how painful it really was. Before I get all of these people saying, everyone is different. I get it. OK! I'm just telling you for me it was AWFUL.

So here's how it went...

10:45 a.m.- The drugs were inserted into my lady parts. My doctor told me that by inserting them that way it caused less side effects like vomiting or diarrhea. (which neither I got so that worked for me).

11:30 a.m. - I start to feel a little cramping. I was told by my doctor that when this happens to take the Tylenol. So I thought OK this is it. I took them.

Noon- No cramping and I'm thinking, Oh no! I'm going to be one of those people that it doesn't work for and you have to take it again the next day. (My doctor pre-warned me that some women have to take it for two days to get it to work).

1:00 p.m. - The cramping has now started. The cramping is so bad, I have to go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet.

1:15 p.m.- I'm cramping so bad, I'm trying to make deals with God. I've also concentrated long enough to text my mom and tell her to call in all her Jesus favors. I am not kidding.

1:45 p.m.- The pills worked and I have started expelling the tissue and blood that needs to come out. This continues until about 3:45 p.m. Yes, I was on the toilet that entire time. Yes I was cramping extremely hard. Yes my legs had started to ache and feel numb.

3:45 p.m. - I put on a lady product and try to lay down. I am exhausted from the cramping and feeling nauseas which hit during the heavy cramps. I get up five minutes later to check myself to see I was expelling too much to be able to lay down.

4:00 p.m.- I can finally take another pain pill. I do and I lay back down. I am literally begging the universe to fall asleep. Well thankfully I did. I was able to sleep until about 5:30 and when I woke up the cramps and eased up enough for me to drink some water and eat a piece of toast. Then I laid in bed and watched tv until the next pain pill and went to sleep.

Things that got me through it... my mom, husband, a heating pad (seriously I wore it for 3 days), smart water, 7up, plain food. The cramping and expelling lasted a few days and as time went on eased up.

I hope that if you've made it this far this information helps you if you are in a similar situation. If you have horrible cramps like I did. I'm sorry. You are not alone just know that. I was one of the women out in the world that got them with you. Also, I just want everyone to know I really didn't write this for sympathy or attention. I literally wrote it out there for the naïve girl like me who wanted the truth about how brutal this medicine can really make you feel. I would have loved to have seen one post from a woman out there who had taken it and flat out said, "This could be the worst pain you have experienced in your life so mentally prepare for it!". I could have and would have appreciated that post.

Blessed.

When I was a little girl, I would sit in front of the television on Friday nights and watch TGIF "Thank God It's Friday" on ABC. They had a whole line up of shows that were family based. It started with Full House, Family Matters, Step By Step and ended with Perfect Strangers. Full House would come on with the Tanner family sitting in the park across from the Painted Ladies in San Francisco. It would show them driving in their convertible across the Golden Gate Bridge living in sunny California. I was just a kid but I would think, "What a cool life to live!"

 

Fast forward to present day and I'm living in Sacramento, California. I live two hours from San Francisco and have seen the Golden Gate Bridge more than a handful of times now.  It's surreal. I'll have these moments where I'm out and in the middle of something it'll hit me. I live here now. This is my life. I'm living this life that I never really knew if it would happen. I had one of these OMG moments hit me when we were in SF doing our engagement photos. It was about right here that it hit...

This is really my life. I'm living in my dreams. I'm living in California. I'm marrying the man that I've waited to find. We're having an amazing wedding and it's all really happening. We have a house, my car is paid off, we have our cute pet Tesco the cat, I have a job that I enjoy. It's all real. It's all what I dreamed of when I was a kid.

It's in these moments that I find myself feeling incredible blessed. Are there times that I want more? Of course. I would be lying if I said no. But I feel so blessed and lucky in life. I have far more than others and I know that. I'm thankful for everything that I've received and work had for, what we work hard to provide for each other. I know that Beezy feels the same way because we've talked about how blessed we are. We don't take anything for granted.

So I say to all those people out there who dream of living a different life or moving to a different state do it. Don't dream about it anymore. Go out there and make it happen. Sacrifice, eat ramen noodles for weeks, save all your change. Do what you have to do. If you want it bad enough, you can make anything happen. Dreams can come true.

Big Ch Ch Changes

I have waited months, maybe even years to say this but last week I quit my job. Yep. QUIT!

Let that sink in.

Now let me tell you a little back story.

Over six years ago I started working with a federal agency. It goes unnamed on here. Always has and that remains unchanged. The first year I worked in that job it was new. It was interesting work and pretty good money. Then every year after that it became worse and worse. The interaction with people was awful. The money actually wasn't worth it and some of the co-workers weren't great. Then I transferred to Sacramento and it was a new location with new people. The money still wasn't worth it but it was more tolerable. Then the daily grind just became too much. I was up for a couple of promotions but kept getting passed over. I noticed all the people who were getting these jobs were people who never really worked hard. Just great at sucking up to bosses. So after all those years, I had had it. I finally started looking really hard for a new job.

When I say really hard, I mean I applied to over 50 state jobs. I took two exams that I had to actually sign up for and go to a testing site. I took numerous online exams and mailed in the old school way (paper applications) around 40 resumes. Then I started getting hit with the interviews. I got four interviews in a two week period and just prayed that one of them would work out. On each job interview, I felt really good about it. I thought I answered the questions really well, let them see my personality and talk about my work ethics. All of the jobs that I interviewed for would pay me more money. They would appreciate my work effort and skills and would allow me to wear business casual/business attire (instead of a uniform). They would also be mainly a desk job which is a major promotion from me instead of doing a lot of grunt work.

I went on the last of the four interviews on a Thursday and the next day they started calling my references. This was a good sign, some places call references to weed out people so I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. Then on Monday of last week my life changed. I got the call and got offered one of the jobs. I was a bundle of nerves. It was mixed emotions of excitement and fear. The OMG what if I screw up and they hate me! What if I get fired and can't pay my bills! BUT I took a deep breath and Beezy and I talked about it. I called my mom. Texted my two best friends. Talking out the fears and realized I'm not the only person to be scared to take a new job and leave behind what's comfortable and what I know.

Next week I'll be starting my new job with the State of California (my department will go unnamed). I'm excited. I'll have my own desk that I can litter with colorful post it notes and personal photos. I'll be able to go out to lunch on my lunch hour. I'll be a downtown worker who wears normal clothing and can take personal calls without fear that someone is calling me because a large meteor is hitting earth. I'll have a work badge that has a real smile instead of a facial recognition frown. I'll have weekends off and a set schedule! No more getting up in the middle of the night to go to work. No more rushing out the door on a Sunday to get to work. I'm excited about it. Really excited.

But you know what having that job reiterated to me... Everything happens for a reason. If I would never have kept that job and transferred out to California. I would never have met Beezy. We would have never met at work and he surely wouldn't be sitting on my couch right now beside me as I write this. That would have been a tragedy. So for all the people out there who are miserable in their jobs and think that you're never going to get treated any better in the workplace. Remember just keep applying! You'll find something great!

Believe

I'm a believer.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. You meet people for a reason.

They come into your life and leave your life for a reason.

The timing, the place, the events that bring them in and out.

All meant to be.

I've always been a believer but at times I haven't been a firm believer.

I may not always get the reasoning or the why's but I have to keep believing.

Right now I feel as if I'm getting tested. One of those tests that the universe gives you to see if you really believe.

I'm upset.
I'm sad.
I'm annoyed.
I'm questioning the universe.

I'm going to hold my head up and keep moving forward.

That's all one can really do.

When I feel down, I'm going to remember everything I have to be thankful for. I'm going to remember that I have people who care about me. I have a job. I have a car. I have a roof over my head.

I'm going to believe that good things do happen to good people.

I'm going to believe that the universe is going to help bring me what I'm looking for.

I'm going to believe that happiness will find me in every aspect of my life.

I'm going to believe that I'm going to get everything I want and more.

What about you? Have you ever felt like the universe just keeps testing you in one certain area of your life? Maybe more?

My Greatest Accomplishment

Last week someone asked me what I thought my greatest accomplishment has been. Since I graduated in college in 2006, I have always said graduating and finishing school. Then I really started to think about it. I thought about everything that's been hard. The things that I've had to be strong through, show determination and dedication. My greatest accomplishment has changed.

 

Starting a new life. Moving 2,415 miles west to the other side of the continent. Leaving behind every single person I know. Buying a home that I had only walked through for 5 minutes, one time for the first time. Then not seeing it again until the day I moved all of my belongings in to it. Being all alone for months and not seeing family. Learning to take care of everything myself including yard work. Learning how to navigate a new town and not have to use my gps to get to my own home.

Putting myself out there and making new friends. That's not an easy thing as we become older. I've surrounded myself with good people and they've become my family out here. They've helped me not to feel as lonely as I could have been. We have dinners, go to the movies, take road trips... it's been a great experience. I've been able to survive the hard days and make it to the easier ones. I'm hoping that more good times are on the horizon.

So yes, my greatest accomplishment has been making the move across the country. I've been able to start a new life out here. I've been able to work, live and thrive. I'm living my accomplishment. I'm hanging in there and rolling with it. Granted, I can't wait to go home and see my family and friends.

My Turn?

Forewarning: This post may contain a pity party.

Over the years and since leaving college, I've witnessed many of my friends grow up. In the years that have followed college, I've seen friends get engaged. I've seen them get married and have children. I've seen them start new traditions at holidays and throw gender reveal parties. I've attended Easter egg hunts, shopped numerous bridal/baby registries for hours and clicked like to every "We're engaged!", "We're getting married", "A Baby is Coming" status updates, instagram feeds, tweets and blog posts. But recently and now more than ever, I'm wondering when is going to be my turn?

When will I get to post photos of flowers sent to me? And when will I be cruising the isles of Michaels getting supplies for those, "Will you be my bridesmaid boxes?" When will I be able to call my mom and ask her advice on what to do when my baby won't stop crying? Will this ever happen? If so, when? I thought it was going to happen once and then I realized it was all a lie. Maybe that was the worst part, being that close to something I really wanted and then having it all come crashing down.

With the holidays coming up, I've been feeling a little different lately. Instead of being overly excited to decorate, buy gifts and plan things out, I've found myself sad wishing that I had someone to start new traditions with and share in my old ones. I have all these thoughts of why decorate when I'll be the only one to see it? and why buy thoughtful gifts when no one will be thinking of me like that? I mean my mom will but that's different. I think maybe I'm finally starting to see the holidays from the other side. You know the side I mean... the side of it from being alone. Like really alone. Is this what the holidays will be like in the years to come? Trying to find friends to intrude on?

I know I'll be spending Thanksgiving alone and that alone is very depressing. I was able to get the time off work but the flight for those four days is just too expensive to buy.

So I have to ask... when is it going to be my turn to announce special events? Huh universe!

One

Today marks my one year anniversary of moving to California.

Let that sink in. (You can catch up on all the moving, waiting etc here and here)

Can you believe it's already been a year? It's crazy how fast time flies. Most days it doesn't feel like I've lived here for a year, other times it feels like I've lived here a lot longer. Some days I'll be driving down the road and think, "Wow! I live in California now. I'm on the west coast and in a completely different time zone than most people I know." It's crazy to comprehend a lot of the days.

When I first moved to Sacramento, I only knew one person. I had to make friends and put myself out there with people. In the year that I've been here I feel like I've surrounded myself with some good people. I've also been able to get out there and participate in some fun activities. I've traveled to places that I wouldn't have been able to so easily while living on the east coast. I experienced what it was like to mow the grass in February. I've experienced what it's like to take care of a house all on my own, etc.

While some days are more fun than others, I miss a lot of my east coast friends and family. I can't wait till the day that they are out here. Until then I'm going to keep on moving forward and hope for a better tomorrow. This year has definitely been a learning year.

Putting It Into the Universe

Now that I've cleaned my slate, I've been trying to be more like my mother and believe that what I put out into the universe will come to me. I'm also trying out this motto...

We have to ask for the things that we want. We have to believe that we deserve the things that we want and that if we put it out into the universe we will get those things. We have to wait and be ready to receive. So that's what I've been doing. It may seem silly trust me, I use to think it was very silly but lately I thought why not give it a try?

 

So I'm putting everything that I want out into the universe...

I want to be debt free.

I want to find my soulmate.

I want to pay off my house early.

I want to go on an amazing vacation.

I want to ring in the New Year in style.

I want to be able to spend Christmas with my family.

 I want to be fit and healthy.
 

Now those are some of my things that I want. What do you want the universe to bring you? Do you believe if you ask the universe for things that it'll bring them to you? 



Clean Slate

I've put off talking about this for a long time. It's something that I've wanted to talk about openly but I didn't and still don't even really want to acknowledge or talk about on here. However with that said, when I have something that I can't talk about in my personal life it's really hard to blog when that's all I want to discuss. So I'm just going to say it....

Josh will not be moving out to California. We are no longer together.

If you've followed this blog for some time then you know that he has a young son. When Josh and I first got together, his son was not even in kindergarten yet. Josh and his ex-wife had a child while they themselves were very young. Once they separated and later divorced their co-parenting became a strained situation and continued to get worse and worse. By the time I entered the picture they had already had multiple volatile incidents revolving around custody arrangements.

I knew by putting in a transfer to California that it could cost me the relationship with Josh. I also knew at the time and I still do that I was going to make this move no matter what. I was doing this move for me.  When the time came and I finally got my transfer (June) his son was already set up and enrolled to begin kindergarten less than two months away. Josh had some other matters that needed to be taken care of and could only be dealt with in West Virginia. We decided together that the best thing to do would be for him to stay behind, help his son transition into school and finish his dealings in the state. Then it became a legal issue. No one wants to lose a child.

As the months went on, the time of him coming out to California continued to get pushed back. During that time I started to get into a routine. I started getting further and further from the situation and a lot of the drama that went along with it. I started to be able to see the situation more clearly. I started seeing more of the bad than the good. I'm sure he did as well. I don't know. I can't speak for him. No relationship is perfect and if you think that there is then you are in denial. There had been lies and there had been doubts. I think the writing on the wall was at Thanksgiving. I went back to West Virginia excited to see family, friends and Josh. While I was there he got sick and we hardly got to spend time together. I was disappointed but I tried to understand that he was ill.

Then when it was time for me to go to WV for Christmas the final straw happened. I was scheduled to leave on the red eye of the 23rd. I got a text earlier in the day and it said, "Call me as soon as you get this message." I knew something was up as soon I read it. He never sent me messages like that unless something was really wrong or important. I called him and as soon as he got on the phone he told me that the house had been broken into. He then told me that the only things that were taken were 1.The flat screen television (I had bought him the previous Christmas) 2.A Fossil Watch (that I had bought him for his birthday) 3. Oakley Sunglasses and 4. What was my to be my official engagement ring/Christmas present (he had previously given me a diamond ring). My instant reaction was anger. I was so mad that this was all happening the day I was getting on a plane to come there. I was angry that he hadn't given it to me at Thanksgiving. I was plain and simply furious.

I was also angry because the previous Christmas, Birthday and Valentines Day he had given me nothing. I understand that some people don't have extra money to spend on gifts. I understand but it's free to write a note. It's free to draw a photo. It's free to send me a text message and tell me nice things. There is plenty of free things out in this world. By not getting any of the thoughts for three previous gift giving occasions I had geared myself up to get this great gift at Christmas time. And before people say, well he had his child to think about getting gifts for! Um no, he didn't. I had bought every single present that was given to him for Christmas. So once this happened It basically put this giant, black cloud over the holiday. I got to West Virginia and I didn't know how long I could keep a lid on the anger. I was just trying to get through the holidays. This time though I was going in with my eyes wide open. I had had clarity.

That's when I started to smell something fishy. The entire time I was back in WV, he wouldn't let me go into his bedroom (where the tv that I had got him was kept). He told me that it was because the room was such a mess from where the burglars had broken in and went through the desk drawers and papers and such were everywhere. Ok? Then I started asking about the police report because he had told me that he had called the state police. I told him that he would need it for Zales because he told me he still owed on the ring. I asked about that police report multiple times while I was in town and I never saw it. He told me after a few times that he had picked it up. I would ask to see it and it would magically be in the other car or his mom had it with her, etc. Hmmm...

So when I left to come back to California I was emotionally spent. I decided to wait it out till Valentines Day to see if I was wrong. I had kept telling him that I love real mail and that Valentines Day was approaching. The day came... nothing. He called me and we were talking on the phone and he could tell that something was upsetting me. He said what's the matter? I told him it would have been nice to at least get something in the mail for Valentines Day. He got furious and said that he sent me a card. He said maybe it would just come a day late. Kids... I'm still waiting on that card.

Once that happened. I was done. He could tell. We started speaking less and less. Our texts became fewer and fewer and as I stopped supplying him with extra gifts and support he started backing more off. Then that's when the other shoe dropped. He got involved in some legal issues and I haven't heard a word since. I think that speaks volumes. If you are having trouble, don't you reach out to the people you love for support? Yep... I would. So there. I have spilled my heart out there. Take it for what you will. I learned that I want an equal partner. I can't be the parent. I can't stand up day after day and be someone's emotional support and never get that in return. If you love someone why would you lie to them. Why wouldn't you show them how much you love them? Why just talk the talk but never walk the walk?

I know my self worth.
I still firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. 

Kissing March Goodbye

I'm ready to kiss March goodbye! This month definitely had it's fair share of good and bad moments. 

The Good
-I got my income tax return and in turn paid off a credit card! I'm closer to being debt free! 
-I'm also on target to pay off my car in the next few months. 
-My new function inside my job is going awesome. 
-I've been hanging out with some really nice people and making friends! 
-I've been able to hang out with my old roommate from Alabama! 
-My mom booked her flight to visit me!

The Bad
-I've had to deal with some real douche bags lately. 
-I caught a really bad head/chest cold. 
-I haven't finished a book this whole month. 
-I have to get new brakes on my car. I hate dealing with things on my car.
-Mowing the grass is AWFUL.

So now it's time to say goodbye to March and keep the faith that April is going to be an even better month! 

So Long, Farewell

Tomorrow is the day!

15 months after requesting a transfer, I am packed up. The truck is loaded with all of my worldly possessions and we are hitting the road. The drive to my new home of Sacramento will be 2,583 miles.

We've decided to break the drive into five days. We haven't set all of the stops in stone because basically we'll be seeing how we feel each day and how much longer we can stand to be on the road and in the car. I know we're shooting for St. Louis, Missouri for that first night. That's around 8-9 hours of driving and with a truck and car that's a lot of driving. 

Some people may ask, why not take the northern route? Well from what I've heard from a few people who've driven across the country before, with a truck it can be slow going once you hit the mountains. The northern route also makes me wonder about the frequency of gas stations. Want to know how many miles to the gallon the moving truck gets? Oh that would be a whopping 8-10 miles. No wonder the price of everything is rising! It's the truck gas we're all paying for now. So the southern route it is then! 

During this drive, I wish for 3 things...

1. I wish for us to get there safely and without any incidents of sickness or thefts. 

2. I wish for mental piece. I hope to feel 100% confident in the choices that are being made. I'm really close to 100% but with such big life changes, I assume there's always that little bit of doubt that creeps inside.

3. To see some of the USA and make a memory that will last forever. 

Catch all of you on the flip side! West Coast Bound!!

An Ugly Word: Stress

In the last few weeks, I have experienced feeling a large amount of stress. I think that it's normal considering the situation that I'm currently going through...


I'm working 5-6 days a week. 
I'm trying to pack all of my belongings to move. 
I had to figure out and reserve a moving truck. 
I'm trying to close on a new home. 
I'm reviewing, faxing, emailing, signing said home documents everyday.
I am going through yearly tests at work. 
I'm watching my savings account slowly dwindle (nothing is cheap folks).


Yesterday the stress shot through the roof. One of the above mentioned things went completely down hill and I had a breakdown. Like sobs came out of me. 


That was yesterday. 


Now I have to get back up on the horse and just try to keep moving forward. I have to keep boxing things up, I have to keep signing documents and I have to pass tests. 


I must do this. 
I can do this. 

From Breakdowns to Happiness

3 days
17 home viewings
1 apartment viewing
5 home offers submitted


I spent three very stressful and exhausting days going through 17 homes all over Sacramento, California. I cried. I laughed. I had an extreme meltdown. 


I had viewed homes all Thursday afternoon and all day Friday. I had only seen one home that I loved enough to put an offer on. The rest I was kinda iffy on. By Friday evening I had found out that I had been out bid on the home I loved and that it was going into contract with someone else. Cue the freak out. 


Saturday morning, I got up and went to look at three of the homes again that I had seen on Friday. Since I was leaving in only a few hours I figured I might as well. I thought they were nice and I went ahead and put in offers. Then my realtor told me about a house that had just came on the market at midnight. We thought, "What do we have to lose? Let's go look at it!"


We got in the car and from the moment we got there I liked it. We walked inside and I loved it. The backyard is huge and has so much potential. The kitchen was completely new with granite counter tops and new stainless steel appliances. New hardwood floors, new carpet and new paint. Here was the problem though.... they were asking the max of what I could get a loan on so I knew I could only offer their asking. Why is that a problem? Oh because it's a bidding war on real estate right now in Sacramento thanks to investors. 


So we went back to the realtors office, wrote the offer for the asking amount and 17 extra dollars (my birth date). I thanked my realtor for all of her hard work, got on a plane to go home and crossed my fingers that at least one of my offers would get accepted. All the while secretly hoping that I'd get that last house. 


Yesterday afternoon my realtor called, "Jennifer! How much did you like the house on ____ Drive?" I loved it, Why? "Well it's yours! They accepted your offer!"


I have a home people! We are set to close in 30 days so let's cross our fingers that everything goes great and that come next month Josh and I will be moving into our home together!! 

Isn't it cute?! Sneak peek! 

Now Comes the Fear

Moving 2,600 miles away, buying a home and leaving everything you know and are comfortable in tends to bring a little fear with it. It also brings the self doubt. Will I make new friends? Will I still keep the relationships with the friends I have now? Will I love it there? Will I be sad or happy? What if I hate it but trapped there? The list can go on and on. 


At the same time, I believe that you can't live your life in fear. You can't let the fear take over. You have to fight the fear to really live. Sometimes you'll make decisions that aren't right but you learn from them and move on. You can't be afraid to make a change. I found these quotes and they made me feel a little better. No matter what you're going through, maybe they'll help....

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. ~Les Brown

The first and great commandment is: Don't let them scare you. ~Elmer Davis

I have accepted fear as a part of life – specifically the fear of change…. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.  ~Erica Jong

Do not let your fears choose your destiny. ~ Unknown

Fear is never a reason for quitting; it is only an excuse. ~Norman Vincent Peale 

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom. ~Mary Ferguson

Where fear is, happiness is not. ~Seneca

Fear is a habit, so is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resigination. You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves," I can! and I will!" 

Do what you fear most and you control fear. Tom Hopkins

Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they are afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it is much easier to procrastinate and live on the 'someday I'll' philosophy. Denis Waitley

Fear is faith that it won't work out. 

There are four ways you can handle fear. You can go over it, under it, or around it. But if you are ever to put fear behind you, you must walk straight through it. Once you put fear behind you. Leave it there. ~Donna Favor

Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead. ~Jerry Gille

They Say It's My Birthday

Sunday is my 28th Birthday

Incase you missed it, on Tuesday I got an early Birthday present and was told that my transfer went through and I will be moving in August to Sacramento, California. 

I feel incredibly blessed because in my 28 years of life I have been given a loving family, great friends who feel like family.


Now as my life begins a new chapter in these coming months, I realize more than ever that the really important things come to those who sit and wait. The old saying, "Patience is a virtue" could not be anymore true. Also if I had to admit, the phrase, "Everything Happens for a Reason" is also ringing deafeningly loud. 

 

If I had moved this time last year, I wouldn't have had enough money in the bank to get a home loan. I would have missed out on the birth of Baby Olivia. I wouldn't have got to go to Memphis for Elvis Week. I wouldn't have got to spend a fun summer with my bestie Erica. I would have missed out on a lot. 

To say that this birthday is a big one doesn't cover it. Not only is it another year older but it's another year wiser. It's the beginning of something new and fresh. It's going to be a year of firsts. I hope you all stay along for the crazy ride that's about to begin. 

It's OFFICIAL I'm Moving!

This is the most exciting and scary post I have ever had the pleasure of writing. 


On March 17, 2011 I placed myself on the transfer list at my job and set the location on three choices: Long Beach, California, Burbank, CA and Sacramento, CA with Sacramento being my top choice. 

Yesterday after the long wait and when I was least expecting it, I got the phone call. I was at a work training event and almost didn't pick up the phone call because I thought it was a tele-marketer call. When they offered me the spot I was so thrilled. I didn't cry, I didn't get sad, I was just thrilled that after such a long wait and after thinking last month that they wouldn't call ever that it finally really did happen. 


As the day went on, I started thinking about all the people and things that I'd leave behind and I did feel a tiny bit sad. Then the fear set in. What if I go broke moving? OMG, I won't know anyone! What if I hate my new work place? What schedule will I be working? I have no place to live right now! And so on and so on. Then I took a deep breath.


I have to take it one day at a time. I have eight weeks to box up my stuff, get a moving van, find a new place to live, etc. I'm going to take it one day at a time because that's the only way I know how to do it. When I feel the fear taking over, I have to remember that everyone has to take a leap of faith for something amazing to happen. 


So it's official... I am MOVING to CALIFORNIA in August. 


PS: if anyone has done a cross country move and has suggestions please feel free to pass them on. 

A Twist on my Transfer/Move

If you missed my last update on my work transfer and moving you can find that post here . 


This post is now what's come after that. It's now been 424 days since I turned in my transfer and how long I have been waiting to move. The good news is that I was told that I'm still sitting at number one on the wait list and that the next available spot would be mine. The bad news is that they told me they had no idea when they would pull from the list and that for the foreseeable future they will only be taking part time people. 


Umm.... part time? Who can afford to live anywhere in the USA let alone the state of California on a part time salary? I know I can't. So their decision to only take part time people has made me reevaluate what I'm going to do. You see, as an employee in my current job, I can have 3 open transfer requests in at the same time. The entire 424 days I have had three California locations listed: Sacramento, Burbank and Long Beach. 


As of right now yes, I'm number one on the transfer list for Sacramento but as for the other two I am very far down as in the 20's and 30's. Those numbers are after waiting 424 days. So I've made the ultimate decision to remove Long Beach and replace it with one of these locations...

Seattle

or

Las Vegas

I just can't decide which one to put on the list. To me they both have their plus and negatives. I've been to Vegas a few times but not Seattle. There's something about it though that draws it to me. If any of you have ever lived in either of these cities or currently do, please e-mail me (jmomiller@gmail.com) and give me your opinions. I need all the advice that I can get! 

Until I decide which city to replace Long Beach with I will still be sitting on the list for Sacramento and Burbank. Here's to crossing your fingers! 

Three Hundred and Seventy Six

376

What's that number you ask? Oh that would be the number of days I've been sitting on the transfer list. 


Bitter. Nah! Not at all. Ok... fine, maybe a little bit. BUT there's a little bit of good news. I'm now sitting at number one on the wait list. Which means the next spot that opens is mine. All mine (think my precious, my precious because I'm to that point lol)! Another good spot of news is that I'm still waiting to hear about that giant promotion. 


I'm still hoping for good news and crossing my fingers! I take it day to day. Hopefully, I'll hear good news soon. Until then, I'm keeping the faith and just hoping for the best. 

Turning off the Noise.

Last year I read Bethenny Frankel's book called, A Place of Yes. 

I read it mainly because I liked Bethenny from watching The Real Housewives and her spin off show. She had become this widely successful woman and I wanted to see what she had to say. I read the book and I thought it was pretty good. The thing that stuck with me the most though was what she likes to call "noise". 


Everyone has noise. Some have noise in different ways and some like me have more than just one noise. I have a lot of money noise. I am constantly trying to pay off debt, pay my bills, pay for things in my daily life and at the same time try to save money. By the time my next pay check comes, I've already figured out where every penny has to go. It gets old really quick but I know that being debt free one day will be amazing! Hello to no car payments! Can't wait! I've made that choice. I've said yes, to paying off debt. 


Sometimes I have relationship noise. There's always going to be someone out there with an opinion who voices it unsolicited. There's always going to be jealous, bitter people who want nothing more than to see others just as unhappy as they are. That's when you have to STOP and tell yourself that it doesn't matter what others think, say or do. It's not their relationship.  


Daily I have career noise. Do I want to keep working day in and day out in the exact same career spot that I'm at now? Um.... no! So I give myself an ulcer hoping and wondering if and when I'm going to transfer and if I'm going to get this promotional position that I've wanted since December. Again, people love to tear you down when they think their unhappy with themselves and how their own lives are going. I just remind myself that I'm young and that I'm not stuck anywhere. 


Some days I don't have any noise at all. Then there's the days that career noise or relationship noise comes out rearing it's ugly head. It's in those moments that I take a deep breath and remember that it's my life and I'm saying YES to the decisions that I've made for it. Does anyone else go through this?