Our First Anniversary

Today marks our first wedding anniversary! Honestly, I can't believe it's already been a year. It feels like yesterday that we were organizing, planning and executing our big day.

 

We got married in Pleasanton, California which is about an hour and a half from where we live in Sacramento. We got married on a Sunday but we went over to Pleasanton on Friday. We wanted to settle into the hotel, greet a lot of our out of town guests and get ready for our big wedding weekend. Saturday was our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (we had it an Italian place called Strizzi's). On Sunday we woke up to a horrible rain storm. The rain was coming down and the winds were high. The winds were so high in the morning that cars were having to pull over to the side of the highway. During the rain storm, our videographer went to the wrong Marriott BUT thankfully, the rain stopped before noon.

We absolutely loved our wedding venue. The venue was perfect for the look, feel and décor theme that we were going for. They also had some great Christmas options since our wedding was taking so place to the holiday. Plus the food was melt in your mouth good. Everyone raved about how the food was amazing. Our wedding was plated and we served three courses and of course cake!

During our wedding we exchanged our own written vows, tossed the garter, threw my bouquet, cut the cake, danced our first dance, smiled, laughed and cried. We also had a first look before the ceremony. Looking back on our wedding, I didn't realize how stressed out I was leading up to our big day. Once it was all over it was like this huge weight off our shoulders. The day went by in a flash. They say it always does but they are right! The day was here and gone before I could blink. I'm so happy we have our wedding video! I literally watch our short teaser wedding video at least once a week. I love it! (here you can watch it if you'd like) It's like walking down memory lane. I haven't been through the hard drive that has about 9 hours of raw footage. One day.... I'll sit and watch it all.

So here we are... one year later. I love my husband more than on our wedding day. I didn't think that could ever be possible but I do. During our first year of marriage we went through new life experiences, good and bad challenges and many memorable moments. The constant throughout the year no matter what the circumstance was the fact that we love each other. We know that we are in this together. I can't imagine never not having him by myself. I love you boo and here's to our first year and on to the next.

Weekend Review

First of all, I can't believe it's June. Where has this year gone? It's gone by so fast! Anyways... This past weekend was one of the busiest weekends I've had in a long time. I was busy on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. My arms have a wicked sun burn to prove it thanks to the California summer sun.

On Wednesday, I went to a graduation and dinner at a place downtown called Lucca Restaurant and Bar. The food was amazing and the company was great as well. It was exactly what I needed to start the weekend off right.

The food was so great. Since we were in a large group we had a few options to pick from. I got a chicken but everyone was served the same dessert... warm chocolate cake. Apparently I don't like to share.

On Thursday, I got up and went to an all day BBQ and pool party. It was another perfect day outside with good food and good people.

That's how Thursday night ended. Friday I used the entire day to run errands and to recoup from the previous two days. I was tired from being outside and knew that I had another big day on Saturday coming up.

Saturday, Beezy and I drove to Lathrop, California so he could run in the Mud Run. Beezy and three members of his family decided to do the race together. I went to take photos and throw support at them. It was crazy hot and the course had tons of obstacles. Then of course you have to be in mud. All of them finished and that's a great accomplishment! Goooo Beezy!

 Almost to the finish line

He got a medal. I got a good skin day.

 

And that's how you spend a weekend. Happy Monday!

Believe

I'm a believer.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. You meet people for a reason.

They come into your life and leave your life for a reason.

The timing, the place, the events that bring them in and out.

All meant to be.

I've always been a believer but at times I haven't been a firm believer.

I may not always get the reasoning or the why's but I have to keep believing.

Right now I feel as if I'm getting tested. One of those tests that the universe gives you to see if you really believe.

I'm upset.
I'm sad.
I'm annoyed.
I'm questioning the universe.

I'm going to hold my head up and keep moving forward.

That's all one can really do.

When I feel down, I'm going to remember everything I have to be thankful for. I'm going to remember that I have people who care about me. I have a job. I have a car. I have a roof over my head.

I'm going to believe that good things do happen to good people.

I'm going to believe that the universe is going to help bring me what I'm looking for.

I'm going to believe that happiness will find me in every aspect of my life.

I'm going to believe that I'm going to get everything I want and more.

What about you? Have you ever felt like the universe just keeps testing you in one certain area of your life? Maybe more?

My Turn?

Forewarning: This post may contain a pity party.

Over the years and since leaving college, I've witnessed many of my friends grow up. In the years that have followed college, I've seen friends get engaged. I've seen them get married and have children. I've seen them start new traditions at holidays and throw gender reveal parties. I've attended Easter egg hunts, shopped numerous bridal/baby registries for hours and clicked like to every "We're engaged!", "We're getting married", "A Baby is Coming" status updates, instagram feeds, tweets and blog posts. But recently and now more than ever, I'm wondering when is going to be my turn?

When will I get to post photos of flowers sent to me? And when will I be cruising the isles of Michaels getting supplies for those, "Will you be my bridesmaid boxes?" When will I be able to call my mom and ask her advice on what to do when my baby won't stop crying? Will this ever happen? If so, when? I thought it was going to happen once and then I realized it was all a lie. Maybe that was the worst part, being that close to something I really wanted and then having it all come crashing down.

With the holidays coming up, I've been feeling a little different lately. Instead of being overly excited to decorate, buy gifts and plan things out, I've found myself sad wishing that I had someone to start new traditions with and share in my old ones. I have all these thoughts of why decorate when I'll be the only one to see it? and why buy thoughtful gifts when no one will be thinking of me like that? I mean my mom will but that's different. I think maybe I'm finally starting to see the holidays from the other side. You know the side I mean... the side of it from being alone. Like really alone. Is this what the holidays will be like in the years to come? Trying to find friends to intrude on?

I know I'll be spending Thanksgiving alone and that alone is very depressing. I was able to get the time off work but the flight for those four days is just too expensive to buy.

So I have to ask... when is it going to be my turn to announce special events? Huh universe!

Clean Slate

I've put off talking about this for a long time. It's something that I've wanted to talk about openly but I didn't and still don't even really want to acknowledge or talk about on here. However with that said, when I have something that I can't talk about in my personal life it's really hard to blog when that's all I want to discuss. So I'm just going to say it....

Josh will not be moving out to California. We are no longer together.

If you've followed this blog for some time then you know that he has a young son. When Josh and I first got together, his son was not even in kindergarten yet. Josh and his ex-wife had a child while they themselves were very young. Once they separated and later divorced their co-parenting became a strained situation and continued to get worse and worse. By the time I entered the picture they had already had multiple volatile incidents revolving around custody arrangements.

I knew by putting in a transfer to California that it could cost me the relationship with Josh. I also knew at the time and I still do that I was going to make this move no matter what. I was doing this move for me.  When the time came and I finally got my transfer (June) his son was already set up and enrolled to begin kindergarten less than two months away. Josh had some other matters that needed to be taken care of and could only be dealt with in West Virginia. We decided together that the best thing to do would be for him to stay behind, help his son transition into school and finish his dealings in the state. Then it became a legal issue. No one wants to lose a child.

As the months went on, the time of him coming out to California continued to get pushed back. During that time I started to get into a routine. I started getting further and further from the situation and a lot of the drama that went along with it. I started to be able to see the situation more clearly. I started seeing more of the bad than the good. I'm sure he did as well. I don't know. I can't speak for him. No relationship is perfect and if you think that there is then you are in denial. There had been lies and there had been doubts. I think the writing on the wall was at Thanksgiving. I went back to West Virginia excited to see family, friends and Josh. While I was there he got sick and we hardly got to spend time together. I was disappointed but I tried to understand that he was ill.

Then when it was time for me to go to WV for Christmas the final straw happened. I was scheduled to leave on the red eye of the 23rd. I got a text earlier in the day and it said, "Call me as soon as you get this message." I knew something was up as soon I read it. He never sent me messages like that unless something was really wrong or important. I called him and as soon as he got on the phone he told me that the house had been broken into. He then told me that the only things that were taken were 1.The flat screen television (I had bought him the previous Christmas) 2.A Fossil Watch (that I had bought him for his birthday) 3. Oakley Sunglasses and 4. What was my to be my official engagement ring/Christmas present (he had previously given me a diamond ring). My instant reaction was anger. I was so mad that this was all happening the day I was getting on a plane to come there. I was angry that he hadn't given it to me at Thanksgiving. I was plain and simply furious.

I was also angry because the previous Christmas, Birthday and Valentines Day he had given me nothing. I understand that some people don't have extra money to spend on gifts. I understand but it's free to write a note. It's free to draw a photo. It's free to send me a text message and tell me nice things. There is plenty of free things out in this world. By not getting any of the thoughts for three previous gift giving occasions I had geared myself up to get this great gift at Christmas time. And before people say, well he had his child to think about getting gifts for! Um no, he didn't. I had bought every single present that was given to him for Christmas. So once this happened It basically put this giant, black cloud over the holiday. I got to West Virginia and I didn't know how long I could keep a lid on the anger. I was just trying to get through the holidays. This time though I was going in with my eyes wide open. I had had clarity.

That's when I started to smell something fishy. The entire time I was back in WV, he wouldn't let me go into his bedroom (where the tv that I had got him was kept). He told me that it was because the room was such a mess from where the burglars had broken in and went through the desk drawers and papers and such were everywhere. Ok? Then I started asking about the police report because he had told me that he had called the state police. I told him that he would need it for Zales because he told me he still owed on the ring. I asked about that police report multiple times while I was in town and I never saw it. He told me after a few times that he had picked it up. I would ask to see it and it would magically be in the other car or his mom had it with her, etc. Hmmm...

So when I left to come back to California I was emotionally spent. I decided to wait it out till Valentines Day to see if I was wrong. I had kept telling him that I love real mail and that Valentines Day was approaching. The day came... nothing. He called me and we were talking on the phone and he could tell that something was upsetting me. He said what's the matter? I told him it would have been nice to at least get something in the mail for Valentines Day. He got furious and said that he sent me a card. He said maybe it would just come a day late. Kids... I'm still waiting on that card.

Once that happened. I was done. He could tell. We started speaking less and less. Our texts became fewer and fewer and as I stopped supplying him with extra gifts and support he started backing more off. Then that's when the other shoe dropped. He got involved in some legal issues and I haven't heard a word since. I think that speaks volumes. If you are having trouble, don't you reach out to the people you love for support? Yep... I would. So there. I have spilled my heart out there. Take it for what you will. I learned that I want an equal partner. I can't be the parent. I can't stand up day after day and be someone's emotional support and never get that in return. If you love someone why would you lie to them. Why wouldn't you show them how much you love them? Why just talk the talk but never walk the walk?

I know my self worth.
I still firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. 

It's February!

Today is February 1st and that means it's the month of LOVE!

Valentines Day supplies are filling up the stores. People are making plans with the ones that they love to celebrate Saint Valentines Day. The weather isn't as bitterly cold as it's been and spring is right around the corner. Bright pinks and reds fill up the decor isles of Michaels and Hobby Lobby. This is a happy time...

I'm pretty for sure a lot of this will be going on out in the world... if you get the drift...

However, my Valentines Day won't be any of that. I'll be spending the day working. Then I'll come home and watch a little television, maybe read and then go to bed. Yep. Exciting stuff folks. That's what happens when your relationship is currently long distance. Josh still isn't living in California yet. We've been hoping for months now... six to be exact that he'd be able to come soon. We are still hoping that. Luckily, I was able to go back to West Virginia for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. 

Now that Valentines Day is fast approaching, I guess I'm just a little blue. Technically it's just a money endorsed holiday but still. I don't want us to miss any holidays together. We've been together since June 2011 and we've never spent this much time apart, let alone holidays. It's been harder than I thought but we've been getting through it. Here's hoping he can be here by Saint Patrick's Day or before! 

So while you spend this month with the people that you love, remember your single and long distance people need a little love too! lol There is always arts and crafts.....

Easter Weekend

This past week I had four days off and I used them to the best of my advantage. I got out of town!


I did a miniature road trip to the Newport Aquarium outside of Cincinnati. I've been there before but I'm guessing because of spring breaks and the Easter holiday, the place was packed out! They had a 2 hour wait to even get inside the place.


So what did we do to kill time? We walked around Newport on the Levee and enjoyed the human hamster balls. Have you seen these?

It was $8.00 well spent. You get inside of them, they add all of the air and then they push into a pool so you can roll around on the surface without getting wet! 


Once the wait was over, I was able to get inside the aquarium and see all the creatures of the sea. Since my last visit they got a new addition of an alligator called Mighty Mike. He was literally over 500 pounds! Even though we had to wait a few hours to get inside, the trip was definitely worth it. 

  Easter bunny hopped by and dropped off some baskets! 

 I had a fun Easter weekend! Hope you did too! 

There's No Rain On My Parade

On Monday, I found out someone I would rather not know anything about my life found this blog. Oh great, it's going to be one of those kind of weeks. 


It instantly gave me that gut reaction of, "I'm going to shut it down." 


Then I started thinking. This is MY life. I write what I want to write. I post about what I want to post about. I like putting it all out there. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's MY life. I make the rules. I get this tiny outlet in the world, to share what I think, feel, see and do. It's my space to come and vent. To ask questions. To see other parts of people's worlds. To come in contact with people I would never have known about. To have made friendships with "strangers" who've become friends. 


So what if haters can come here and see my life. Guess what? If they didn't really care or weren't even a tiny bit jealous of my life then they wouldn't feel the need to come on here and stalk me out. I find it flattering the more that I think about it. 


So am I quitting blogging anytime soon? NOPE! I'm here to stay. And even better I'll give you some good facts. How about these jelly bellies......

I'm going to JAMAICA. To an all inclusive resort, where I plan on sunning myself while wearing sunscreen (unlike some leather face that I know). 

 

I have a fabulous family. I have fabulous friends.

 

The list could go on and on......


There's always going to be people out there who want to see you fail. There's always going to be that person who yells out petty, snide remarks. The key is to remember that those people are miserable, unhappy and want to rain on your parade. The best revenge is when you succeed. 

The Absolute Truth

If you're interested in a guy but he's not calling, texting, tweeting, facebooking or e-mailing you... then chances are he's just not into you. 

I don't care if people say that he's shy or really busy. If he likes you or he's at least interested then he'd find a spare second to reach out to you. What the silence really says, is...

I firmly stand by all of these beliefs. 

I Do, I Don't

It came to my attention a few days ago that the last three people I have dated are now either engaged or married. Yep, let's check out the score board. Me-0 Ex's- 3

Ex #1- We broke up. A few months later (as in about 3) he meets the girl and a year later is engaged and getting married.

Ex #2- We break up. Two months later he meets her and then another month later they get engaged. Then if that doesn't sound fast enough for you, 3 months later they got married. Yeah... I somehow don't see that one lasting.... considering he cheats non stop on her.

Ex #3- We break up. A few months later they meet and about 6 months after dating have got engaged. They'll be getting married even before the year mark of their relationship.

Now am I sad about this? No, no not really. None of them were the one. Obviously, since we broke up. But what the heck?!? Literally the last 3 people I have dated are now engaged/married to the person they met right after we broke up. Every single one of them.

When did I become that girl? Do I make them realize what they want and I just don't have it? Am I too much, not enough or just not the right one? The realization made me wonder. I've heard a lot of people say that it just all comes down to timing. Maybe so. Either way, I just find this streak very odd and disturbing.

Has anyone else had something like this happen?

I Deserve...

I deserve to be happy. 

I deserve to get flowers, candy and other gifts of affection. 

I deserve to be wanted. 

I deserve for someone to want my company.

I deserve to be cared about. 

I deserve a relationship. 

I deserve to be liked/loved. 

I deserve the fantasy. 

I deserve to be treated with respect and care.

I deserve to have someone who's going to always be in my corner.

I deserve the truth. 

I deserve all of it. 

I don't deserve to be treated 2nd best. 

I don't deserve to be treated like an after thought.

I don't deserve to be treated like an option.

It's going to take someone really special for me to change my relationship status to taken.

A Big Ole' Boycott

Don't forget to enter my giveaway!

(The Donald feels my pain)

With Valentines Day on the horizon, I keep seeing everyone talk about love and this years upcoming Valentines. Well I say, BLAH! I don't think I've ever had one memorable, earth shattering Valentines day. For real. I'm really thinking back here and coming up with all bad Valentines Day memories. Let's recap a few shall we? We shall...

The 1st eventful Valentines day that I can actually remember, I was in 7th grade. I went to a private christian academy for middle school and they were holding a dinner for couples. Well a boy who by the way was at least in 9th grade (the school was all grades) asked me to go. I got ready, we went and from what I can remember I found the person sitting next to me more interesting than my actual date. The one photo that was taken was over exposed so I didn't even get a keepsake from the night. FAIL

The 2nd eventful Valentines day was a few years ago. Myself and two other girls spent it together. We got dressed up and the plan was to go to dinner and then head to a dance place. Well one person took forever and when I say forever I mean like foreverrrr (think the Sandlot) to get ready. Needless to say we ended up at a fast food joint because by the time we went to every restaurant the wait was 2 hours. Plus someone couldn't wait to go dancing. The night dragged on and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and go home. FAIL

The 3rd Valentines day massacre came when I was in a serious relationship. I curled my hair (not an easy task), we went out to eat and then he wanted to go to some pool table place. Well it turns out he didn't want there to play pool it was because they were having some kind of girls performance there. I can't remember what it was but it was along the lines of a wet t-shirt contest. Well I found this out about midway through the evening and was livid. I got my coat, walked out and started walking home. Only after his friend (who had shown up) told him it probably wasn't the greatest idea that I walk home alone, did he follow. Gosh, he was such a loser. FAIL

And finally for my last night Valentines Day memory nightmare lane, the fact that I can't remember at all what I did this time last year for the "holiday". I was single by then so who knows. I probably worked and then came home to my pajamas and watched tv. FAIL

This year on Valentines Day I won't be working but... I have no plans, no valentine and no motivation. I think that calls for a boycott. 

Peeta & The Hunger Games

You might be asking yourself who is Petta or Gale? Well folks, let me enlighten you. Peeta and Gale are two of the male, main characters in the book series, The Hunger Games written by Suzanne Collins. If you haven't heard they're preparing to make the first book into a movie. Which I prodict will turn into all 3 of the books being made into movies.

If you're a fan of the books, then you already what's coming. There's always a who will she choose senario. Who will Katniss Everdeen (the main female character) choose in the end? Well I know who Katniss picked but I also know who I would have picked from the very first moment I read the series. My choice... Peeta.

I won't tell you who Katniss chooses, you'll either have to read the books or watch the movie to find out. From the very beginning of the books I was sold on Peeta. Just can't help it. He's great, perfect and I wish he existed in real life. Oh, speaking of the movies. I started wondering who they'll cast for the role's of Peeta and Gale. After scouting around online, it turns out they haven't cast anyone yet. I thought long and hard but I can't imagine who will be either.

The film studio is trying to keep the actors around the age of the actual charcters. So the choices will be a little more limited.

I do think Jeffery Dean Morgan would be a good Haymitch. Just saying...

God he's just a hottie. Yum!

True or Untrue?

Harry: You realize we could never be friends. 

Sally: Why not? 

Harry: What I'm saying is... and this is not a come on in any way, shape or form- is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't. 

Sally: Yes I do. 

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 

Sally: They do not. 

Harry: Do too. 

Sally: They do not. 

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know? 

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 

Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 

Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.  

Game, Set, Match

Yesterday something occurred which caused me to stop, smile, laugh and then over analyze the crap out of it.

Remember the last guy I talked about on my What Not to Say/Do on a Date segments? If not, here is the story. Let's just say that after that "date", I had expected to never hear from him again. Well Monday afternoon rolls around and I hear my phone beep. I had a text message. I grab my phone and I see that it's him. Hmm... this is interesting.

He's asking me how my Christmas went. Game. I play into whatever game is now started and tell him how my Christmas went. I'm not completely rude and I have no reason to hate the guy (I actually think he's pretty nice). I ask him how his holiday went and he tells me. Then he asks me if I'd like to hang out that night. Say what?

I was working overtime that day so I tell him that I'm not getting off till the late evening and that if he wanted to hang out it couldn't be until later in the evening. He tells me that's fine and that I could just come over and hang out. Set.

I agree to the time and place and tell him that I'll see him later that night.

Literally 2 hours later, I get another message from him telling me that he has to cancel. That something came up for work and that he has to travel two hours to get the problem fixed. He also tells me in the text that maybe we can hang out when he gets back (not that night but another time). Match.

At first I didn't think anything about it. So ok, maybe he was bored, lonely, whatever and wanted to have someone to hang out with and thought of me. Sure that's fine and honestly maybe something really did come up. BUT what if it was all a game? Maybe after our last hang out, the fact that I never called him, never texted him, never had any contact what so ever made him feel like he was off his game.

So now I started to wonder, did he ask me to hang out just to see if I'd say yes and really had no plans of us actually hanging out? Well if so, then I clap my hands to him that's a great Game, Set, Match.

The One Where I Open Up

So this is the post where I open up and talk about my personal life. So here it goes... Be warned I thought about titling this post "The One Where I'm Pathetic."

First of all, I'm single... I did what was right for me. I'm not going to get into all of it but I think when you come out feeling that way then it was definitely the best decision. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and more set in my ways but over the last year, I've realized more and more what I do and do not want from a partner/relationship. They say you do get wiser with old age. 

I started talking to one of my friends this weekend about everything and she asked if it had anything to do with ghosts of boyfriends past. Well... I'm pretty for sure that's playing a part. Actually, if I'm being really honest it's played a big part. I don't know what it is. I compare everyone to this one guy. Lately, I've been thinking about things and wondering. Wondering is never good. Not when it's a situation like this. Not when there's a better chance of the Titanic sailing again than us ever speaking to one another. 

I tried to reach out a few months ago and got nothing in return. Now, that's ok. If he doesn't want to talk to me then there's nothing I can do, I tried. I've accepted that. That doesn't mean that I don't wish things were different. As I said before though, I've found myself wondering and hoping that he's well. No matter what some may think, I honestly wish him well. I loved him, why wouldn't I want him to be happy? However, that doesn't stop me from the what if's. 

I'm such a kid from the 80's.... It was probably all those John Hughes movies but sometimes I hope that I'll look out my window and there he'll be holding up a boom box or even standing on my doorstep. Heck, my little heart would boom with a text. Haha. Right about now, I'm really wishing my best friends lived closer. We're all scattered now and it's hard not having someone to call and say, come over and them be there in 5 minutes. 

Anyways, I'm sure this post made absolutely no sense now and kind of rambled but that's just how I'm feeling. Tomorrow's post will be more upbeat, I promise. 

Keep an eye out you may see these again one day... What Not to Say/Do on a Date 

Wordless Wednesday

I like to pose. He likes to make faces. We both wear fun t-shirts. 

It's the little things in life...

Bonus if you understand my shirt.

Christmas In July!

Last night one of my good friends was hosting a party and the theme was, Christmas in July. 

Well it's no secret, I love Christmas so I was really excited about going! It wasn't really festive but we still had a great time! I thought it was a really cute theme and since I'm obsessed with Christmas, I'll probably steal his idea and go all out on it next July. Haha!

A Host of the party! (Notice, I'm sporting that green dress I mentioned yesterday? Well it was a hit! It was so comfortable too!)

At their town home, they have a really great set up and their backyard literally falls out into the mountains. I love it. I tried to take a few pictures but it started pouring the rain. They've made it so serene out there. They even have a fountain!

It was definitely a really great evening spent with friends and of course I brought along someone cute...

So all I have left to say is, Merry Christmas in July!

Wordless Wednesday

Drum roll please.....

Ryan & I

(I had to watermark the photo because apparently crazies are stealing people's photos and making blogs as if it's their life)

A First

I've got something super fabulous going on today (that I'll talk about tomorrow) so I thought I'd open up Crazy Shenanigans to a guest. So without further ado, my first post by a guest blogger. Let's all say a hello to, Ms.Random from Random Ramblings. 

Dear Reader(s),

I am so excited to be a guest blogger for Jennifer today! I have had an amazing time getting to know more about her over the past few months and can't believe she would allow me to dominate an entire day on her blog. Thank you, Jennifer!

After discussing a few of the posts I had written to share with my readers over the next couple of weeks, Ms. Crazy and I chose the following to post on her site today. There are times when I am "light and fun," but this particular post is on the more serious side of my life. It involves an ex, a mistake and the desire to overcome!

I have been in a bit of a love-funk over the past several months. (OKay, to be honest, it has actually been going on for longer than I care to think about.) I have only met a handful of men over the past 5 years that I have truly considered being in a romantic relationship with. Some of them became extremely good friends, but none ever sought me out for more. (I don't care to get into the reasons currently.) This "situation" has caused me to wander from the path and pursue relationships that were all wrong for me. (OKay, there I go lying again. I pursued A relationship that was unhealthy.)

In my post on Sunday, I discussed my deepest desire: to be married. Back in August of last year, I lost all hope of this dream every becoming a reality and it caused me to stumble, more like throw, myself into the arms of a man that I should never have trusted. I'm not trying to place the blame on him for my actions in any way; I knew better. We have been down that road many times before and it has never worked out. However, I began to wonder:

Could I love him completely?

Could he love me completely?

Could we be happy together?

Could I give myself to him with no regrets?

Could this be the only man that will have me?

We finally hit rock bottom in our "relationship" almost two months ago and have now had to sever all ties to one another. I can't begin to express the shame, humiliation and hurt this caused me. I can't begin to tell you how he truly feels because he never expressed it. All I know is that I chased after the wrong man and was left crying on the shoulder of my family and friends when he tired of me.

This past Wednesday, my sister-in-law and I decided to sample Taylor Swift's album Fearless.As we were going through the list of songs, we came across one named White Horse. Mrs. Awesome's first words? "This album may not be the best idea for you right now." You think?

It isn't all his fault. In the beginning I told him I would never want to be with him for the long-hall; he isn't even close to fulfilling THE List. He was under the strong impression that I would never love him and he had no knowledge of what I was completely feeling and contemplating. I wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that we couldn't make it. I was searching for a conclusion that God actually provided years ago. I experimented with his feelings towards me and he used me to build up his ego and discarded me once he was built up enough to pursue another woman. (He has never seen my worth and I have never understood that.)

He never officially asked for my forgiveness, but he has it none-the-less. He never begged for me to be a part of his life again, but I miss him none-the-less. He never asked to be my prince charming, but I was secretly hoping he would be none-the-less. Stupid girl.