Who You Gonna Call?!?

Can someone please give this guy my number? 

I've had the biggest crush on him since the early 1990's. I stuck with him through his career ups and downs. I cried while watching A Walk in the Clouds. I laughed at his jokes in Bill and Ted's Bogus Adventure. I bit my nails into the quick, hoping that he'd keep that bus going above 50mph in Speed. I was always rooting for him. I'm still rooting for him. Rumor is he's got his own movie that he worked years on getting completed finally hitting the theaters. Congrats Keanu. Congrats. Need a date to the premiere? 

What type of greeting is appropriate for someone that you've crushed on for years? Hi. Hello. Let me just jump right into like we've been friends for years....

Keanu, 

    What's up? I'm Jennifer but you can call me Jen or even Jmo like most of my friends. Now that we both live in California, I can't believe we haven't hung out yet. I mean granted you live in Los Angeles and I live in Sacramento but I mean what's a little 400 miles when you're really into someone? I've even been over to San Francisco which I hear you like to frequent. I feel like you should frequent it the weekend of my birthday. It could be like a Happy 29th Birthday present or as I like to say giving fate a little push. I've seen all these internet memes with the world calling you sad Keanu. Um... I'm pretty for sure if we hung out you'd turn that frown upside down. I'm sure we'd have a lot in common. I don't know what but I'm sure there has got to be something. I might even let you go to second base on a first date. Wouldn't that make anyone smile? See I bet that offer got you smiling already. 

Anyways, call me. Text me. Facebook me. Tweet me. Instagram me. Email me. I mean I just gave you six ways to either reach me or reject me. I feel like the reaching me would be the better option. I mean I am pretty awesome for someone who hasn't made millions of dollars acting. As an added bonus I have a rocking high credit score. I also have a pimp Kia Spectra that we can roll around in while keeping the earth green. I also have baking skills that Martha Stewart should be watching her back about. 

Disclosure: I'm being super sarcastic and this open letter to keanu should not be considered serious. But would I love to meet Keanu Reeves and go on a date?  Sure! Who wouldn't?!? And I have had a crush on him since the 90s. Someone give him my digits!!!!