Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Clean Slate

I've put off talking about this for a long time. It's something that I've wanted to talk about openly but I didn't and still don't even really want to acknowledge or talk about on here. However with that said, when I have something that I can't talk about in my personal life it's really hard to blog when that's all I want to discuss. So I'm just going to say it....

Josh will not be moving out to California. We are no longer together.

If you've followed this blog for some time then you know that he has a young son. When Josh and I first got together, his son was not even in kindergarten yet. Josh and his ex-wife had a child while they themselves were very young. Once they separated and later divorced their co-parenting became a strained situation and continued to get worse and worse. By the time I entered the picture they had already had multiple volatile incidents revolving around custody arrangements.

I knew by putting in a transfer to California that it could cost me the relationship with Josh. I also knew at the time and I still do that I was going to make this move no matter what. I was doing this move for me.  When the time came and I finally got my transfer (June) his son was already set up and enrolled to begin kindergarten less than two months away. Josh had some other matters that needed to be taken care of and could only be dealt with in West Virginia. We decided together that the best thing to do would be for him to stay behind, help his son transition into school and finish his dealings in the state. Then it became a legal issue. No one wants to lose a child.

As the months went on, the time of him coming out to California continued to get pushed back. During that time I started to get into a routine. I started getting further and further from the situation and a lot of the drama that went along with it. I started to be able to see the situation more clearly. I started seeing more of the bad than the good. I'm sure he did as well. I don't know. I can't speak for him. No relationship is perfect and if you think that there is then you are in denial. There had been lies and there had been doubts. I think the writing on the wall was at Thanksgiving. I went back to West Virginia excited to see family, friends and Josh. While I was there he got sick and we hardly got to spend time together. I was disappointed but I tried to understand that he was ill.

Then when it was time for me to go to WV for Christmas the final straw happened. I was scheduled to leave on the red eye of the 23rd. I got a text earlier in the day and it said, "Call me as soon as you get this message." I knew something was up as soon I read it. He never sent me messages like that unless something was really wrong or important. I called him and as soon as he got on the phone he told me that the house had been broken into. He then told me that the only things that were taken were 1.The flat screen television (I had bought him the previous Christmas) 2.A Fossil Watch (that I had bought him for his birthday) 3. Oakley Sunglasses and 4. What was my to be my official engagement ring/Christmas present (he had previously given me a diamond ring). My instant reaction was anger. I was so mad that this was all happening the day I was getting on a plane to come there. I was angry that he hadn't given it to me at Thanksgiving. I was plain and simply furious.

I was also angry because the previous Christmas, Birthday and Valentines Day he had given me nothing. I understand that some people don't have extra money to spend on gifts. I understand but it's free to write a note. It's free to draw a photo. It's free to send me a text message and tell me nice things. There is plenty of free things out in this world. By not getting any of the thoughts for three previous gift giving occasions I had geared myself up to get this great gift at Christmas time. And before people say, well he had his child to think about getting gifts for! Um no, he didn't. I had bought every single present that was given to him for Christmas. So once this happened It basically put this giant, black cloud over the holiday. I got to West Virginia and I didn't know how long I could keep a lid on the anger. I was just trying to get through the holidays. This time though I was going in with my eyes wide open. I had had clarity.

That's when I started to smell something fishy. The entire time I was back in WV, he wouldn't let me go into his bedroom (where the tv that I had got him was kept). He told me that it was because the room was such a mess from where the burglars had broken in and went through the desk drawers and papers and such were everywhere. Ok? Then I started asking about the police report because he had told me that he had called the state police. I told him that he would need it for Zales because he told me he still owed on the ring. I asked about that police report multiple times while I was in town and I never saw it. He told me after a few times that he had picked it up. I would ask to see it and it would magically be in the other car or his mom had it with her, etc. Hmmm...

So when I left to come back to California I was emotionally spent. I decided to wait it out till Valentines Day to see if I was wrong. I had kept telling him that I love real mail and that Valentines Day was approaching. The day came... nothing. He called me and we were talking on the phone and he could tell that something was upsetting me. He said what's the matter? I told him it would have been nice to at least get something in the mail for Valentines Day. He got furious and said that he sent me a card. He said maybe it would just come a day late. Kids... I'm still waiting on that card.

Once that happened. I was done. He could tell. We started speaking less and less. Our texts became fewer and fewer and as I stopped supplying him with extra gifts and support he started backing more off. Then that's when the other shoe dropped. He got involved in some legal issues and I haven't heard a word since. I think that speaks volumes. If you are having trouble, don't you reach out to the people you love for support? Yep... I would. So there. I have spilled my heart out there. Take it for what you will. I learned that I want an equal partner. I can't be the parent. I can't stand up day after day and be someone's emotional support and never get that in return. If you love someone why would you lie to them. Why wouldn't you show them how much you love them? Why just talk the talk but never walk the walk?
I know my self worth.
I still firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. 

26 comments:

JMJE said...

I'm sorry you have had to go through this but it looks like you definitely made the right decision and that it will pay off in the future.

Amber said...

Good for you, Jen! It sounds like you definitely did the right thing. You're right - you deserve an equal partner. Someone who will be there for you as much as you are for them. That person will come - for now, enjoy your time alone and in beautiful, sunny CA :)

Mommy Mandy said...

I'm so sorry sweetie:( But it's wonderful that you have such a great attitude and are focusing on YOURSELF. That's the most important thing!

Sam M said...

Even though we already talked about this a bit it still makes me so sad to read about it. I don't understand how you can let your girlfriend buy all your child's christmas presents and then not try to give her anything. Even if your ring was stolen, he could have gone out and gotten you something. That is really lame. He was totally taking advantage of you in the end.

ChickPool said...

only the strong will survive jmo! relationSHITS is what i call them. but, good for you! i'm glad you saw the writing on the wall. i'm somewhat new to your blog and i've been hooked since the first post i read. love your honesty.

Amanda @ It's Blogworthy said...

Jen this is exactly why you needed to get out of West Virginia. Honestly, I've heard stories like this again and again with people there. I'm glad you moved and glad you are getting into a routine out there. Your life with me more full experiencing life on the west coast than if you were with him in wv!! I'm proud of your bravery!!! You are much better off.

JG said...

Bummer, I'm sorry it worked out that way, but you definitely deserve better. Consider him a dodged bullet. You shouldn't have to deal with being lied to and taken advantage of. better things are ahead!

Miranda said...

From what I've read, I think you did the right thing. It breaks my heart to see you treated in such a way. I know you are a GIVER and you always treat your friends, family and loved ones with so much love and respect. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I'm so thankful that you were able to see the big picture, and that you're no longer being used. There are people out there who DO care about you and want the best for you - even across the miles :)

I hope that you're able to move on in a positive way - I know there are so many great things out there for you!

I miss you bunches, friend! I need to do better about keeping in touch.

megs7827 said...

I'm so glad you finally posted about this! I'm glad you learned from the relationship and you moved to Cali anyway! You'll be fine!

Deidre said...

I'm really sorry that things didn't work out with Josh, but you're right. You need to be an adult relationship - one with trust and love.

I so admire your ability to step back while in the relationship and have all that clarity! I've never been able to do that.

How are you feeling now, a few months after so much drama? Are you still upset? Ready to move on?

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

Aw man. I'm so sorry. Breakups are never good and you obviously loved him for a long time. It sounds like you have every reason to have ended the relationship and are handling it all well. I'd be furious as well...and I'd have been such a bitch haha. So good for you!

Claire Kiefer said...

I figured that you guys had broken up from your posts . . . I'm really sorry it all shook down this way. Sounds really painful. :( I'm so glad that you have clarity on the situation and are confident about your worth and what you do (and don't) deserve. These things are learning experiences . . .

ag. said...

I hope it felt good to get it out there...very brave of you!!!
And even better that you know your worth...and you deserve to be happy and treated well! I hope you're treating yourself well and finding happiness in other places! : )

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I don't know if I've told you this, but I admire your bravery. Breaking up with someone when you know things aren't right is BRAVE. I know that, because I was cowardly with my ex and stayed with him even though I knew things were wrong. I'm divorced because I was a coward for too long. I should have broken up with him less than a year into our relationship.

Anyway, move forward. You deserve the BEST.

FIT--Future Iron Teacher said...

I'm sorry you had to go through this!

Reese Carrozzini said...

I'm sorry that things didn't work out JMO. You're right, when lying happens often then that's when you know that you need to get out. You did the smart thing and there's a bright side to this because you will meet that one person who will love you and be honest with you.

Big big warm hugs! Reese

www.reesecarrozzini.com

Jessie Hanks said...

*hugs!!!!*

Jessie Hanks said...

*hugs!!!!*

Meghan said...

It sounds like you made the right, strong decision. I just know that great things are on the horizon for you! Hang in there, lady! You are one tough cookie!

Jamie Sefcik || Hello Little Scout said...

So glad you got out of that relationship. It sounds like he was just using you. You can find someone who will treat you so much better!

Steph said...

You know what? You should hold your head up high. You are truly an inspiration. No one should settle for less than they deserve. You deserve to be so incredibly happy.

Your independence and self-worth is 100 times more important than dealing with crap that you don't deserve.

Big hugs my friend. I'm proud of you.

Eesh said...

It's unfortunate that you had to go through this but what doesn't kill you make you stronger, right? Or so they say.

The main this is, you got out. You woke up and realized that you deserved so much more. Kudos to you for not hanging on to something that really wasn't there.

xx

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

well, i kinda knew about this, and it just blows. however, and i believe i won't be the only one thinking this or saying it outloud...good for you. he took advantage of you, your feelings and everything else. it's just lame.
if you're ever in my area, let me know. and i'll try to hopefully make it one day up north. i'll be back in august. soon actually. 3 more weeks. :)

Behold the Metatron said...

Tough situation... it's not easy letting go... but as an outsider on this story I think you are better off without the baggage he seems to have.

kristen
www.beholdthemetatron.com

Tori said...

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you have the wisdom to know that when things don't add up, it's okay to say, I deserve better! Hugs, girl!

Smiling is Good for Your Teeth said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that! What a terrible things to have hanging over your head. You deserve WAY better and I am glad you realized it and are doing things for yourself!