Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Letting it out into the universe.

Warning: This is a deeply personal and emotional post. I've thought about this for awhile now. If you know me, then you know I'm all about making pro/con lists. Well...I figured, "Why not?" so I'm just going to put it out there. I'm sure between all of my amazing followers, the one pesky blog stalker and the general population that somehow the universe will have a way of getting this to the right person. So here it goes. I apologize now for the pouring of real emotion.
I just needed to say this. 
Dear _____,
I've started this letter at least 10 times. I've never been good at starting a letter so I guess in this case, it's made it even harder for me. I guess I should quit stalling and just get down to it. I don't know if you'll ever read this but I thought I should let you know what I'm thinking and also clear the air. First of all, I miss you. Plain and simple. I think about you more than I probably should. I wonder how you are and what you've been up to. I let my mind wander and I think of us. The times that we were together and how happy I was being with you. I wonder if you're happy now and if you ever think of me in a good way. The thought that you might, makes my heart beat a little faster. 
Recently, I've found myself thinking of you a lot more often. Don't ask me why, because I don't have the answer. I wish I did. I know that if you really wanted to talk to me, you'd get ahold of me. Modern technology has made it pretty easy for girls and guys to know when they're being ignored/avoided. I don't know what twisted stories you've heard but I want to clear the air about a few things. #1 I never cheated on you physically or emotionally. You may honestly think that I did but I didn't. You of all people should know that I wouldn't. #2 After you broke my heart the 2nd time that's when I knew to let go of the hope. That's all I had to hold on to and when you took that away I knew that you didn't think I was the one. If you did you wouldn't have hurt me like that. Maybe you did it without even knowing it? I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. #3 Regardless of what outside parties may or may not have told you. I never secretly said any harsh remarks that you hadn't heard before. It was nothing new and I'm sure it was blown up into a large drama fest that some choose to feed on. #4 I love my blog. I like to come here and write my thoughts. And they are exactly that....my thoughts. Some people have a vice well maybe this one is mine depending on how you look at it. 

After things just stopped, I started hearing things that I wished I hadn't. Whispers of  lying, cheating and manipulation. I guess I should have always kept my guard up...with you I didn't want to. You always had a way of making me feel like it was just you and I. Whether it was or wasn't...well I can't answer for your end. At this point it doesn't matter. It's in the past. I just want you to know that I'm here. I miss you. I think of you and I wish we could talk. You may never want to speak to me but just know that I really wish you would. I still care for you and I think about you every single day.
-J
PS: I leave you with what I once called my theme song to life after heartbreak 1. 
Say you're sorry That face of an angel comes out Just when you need it to As I pace back and forth all this time  'Cause I honestly believed in you Holdin' on, The days drag on Stupid girl  I should've known, I should've known

That I'm not a princess This ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around.

Maybe I was na├»ve, Got lost in your eyes I never really had a chance. My mistake I didnt know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.  I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings;  Now I know

I'm not a princess This ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around.

And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, Begging for me Just like I always wanted, But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess  This aint a fairytale Im gonna find someone, Some day Who might actually treat me well. This is a big world, That was a small town There in my rearview mirror,  Disappearing now. And it's too late for you and your White Horse, Now its too late for you and your White Horse To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh Try and catch me now Whoa-Oh It's too late To catch me now.

22 comments:

Amanda said...

Love that song! Love TSwift. Hate that you're hurting. But keep in mind -- trust is earned, not given. If this guy thinks you cheated, when at the same time, HE might have cheated on YOU (that's what I'm gathering), then I would be afraid that the trust between you two is damaged too badly. It might take too much to earn back that trust on both ends. But sometimes you need to just get it out there and see what happens! I want the best for you always!!!

Ashley said...

Aw hun :(

Cookie Crums said...

Sometimes all you can do it put it out there and hope. Keep your head up and your heart open!

Selma said...

It's okay! I actually like this post. It's so real. I never mind read personal and emotional posts! So don't worry about it.
Hope you are still having a good day though. :D xoxo

jenn said...

i love how transparent you are.

you have such a BIG heart and you have a lot to give.
if he can't see that -- the he is the one who has lost in this relationship.

there is a special person just for YOU -- keep your head held high!!!

you are strong girl :o)

Patience said...

I am sorry that you are hurting and I really hope he does read this letter. I went thru somthing similar with my first love and we don't speak, but I would like to catch up with him from time to time. The truth is I lost a lot of "so called" friends because of the lies they spread after he and I broke up and I don't know if I will ever truly get over it until I can make amends with him. I know he wasn't the man God chose for me because my fiance is amazing. I would like the chance to make things right with him and have my closure. I will be thinking of you today.

Samantha the ArmyWife said...

Oh girl... I was hoping you'd found some peace over this situation. I'll keep hoping that you do. Holler if you wanna talk.

Dollface said...

awww... Im sorry... I have written letters like this to exes and then kept them in my diary for safe keeping... never sent letters sometimes are best that way! xxxooo

JMay said...

Love that song...thanks for being so honest and open. You're very real.

Hopefully you get peace soon love.

Following your lovely blog :-)

BakerGirl said...

I'm sorry you are hurting... It sucks and trust me, I've written letters like this but never sent them or showed them to anyone.

It takes time to truly get over a relationship and person. Take it slow and stay strong.

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

Wow...I could have written that letter myself to an ex from long ago. What a beautiful post.

rena said...

I hope you get the peace you need. I'm glad you did this, not only does it make you so real, I did this today for someone and don't have the courage to put it on my blog...yet..maybe you're inspiring me :)

The Queen of Clearance. said...

Some times it good to just say what you feel even if someone else doesnt want to hear it, or you dont know how to tell them. I think everything you said was truthful and from her heart. I think you are a brave woman! Hang in there...and I love Tay swift!

Annie said...

i hope writing this out and posting it helps you.
i'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now.
thinking about you hun.

SS said...

It's good to let it out... and you never need to apologize to anyone for posting your feelings on your blog, isn't that one of the reasons it's there?

I hope getting it out helped, if even a little bit.

Jessie said...

**HUGS!!!!!!**
I'm proud of you for this post. Sometimes it helps just to let it out.

Llama said...

Wow! That was completely honest and sincere. I have definitely been there before. I hope that you do what is best for you and no one else. Think about everything the good and the bad. Don't forget to think about the bad too. I know that sounds like its kind of lousy advice but sometimes we only remember the good and then its hard for us to ever figure out what went wrong. I hope that you get through this tough time and no matter how it turns out YOU are happy.

Ashley Pizarro said...

I'll be thinking about you...

Katie said...

I've done one of these posts before, it made me feel so good to just get it out, even if the person never read it - i felt like they knew.

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

I really hope the person this is meant for reads it and understands how you're feeling.
I'm with you on loving the blog and using it as a vice, I do the same thing. Giving it up makes me want to cry.
Hang in there, girlie!

samnhal said...

That's such a sweet post. I like it when people post real posts like that, even if it's hard and sometimes awkward. So, props to you. Sometimes it sucks to let your guard down and love someone and in the end get hurt more because you did. But I say that's the only way to live. wow, that sounded like a song lyric...but it's not. I will end by saying this: Drama sucks. And so do the people who feed off of it.

Just Anonymous Prep said...

I think it's very brave of you to open all of this up. I've written similar letters in my journal and found it helps give me a bit of closure, especially in situations where there was no closure.