Letting it out into the universe.

Warning: This is a deeply personal and emotional post. I've thought about this for awhile now. If you know me, then you know I'm all about making pro/con lists. Well...I figured, "Why not?" so I'm just going to put it out there. I'm sure between all of my amazing followers, the one pesky blog stalker and the general population that somehow the universe will have a way of getting this to the right person. So here it goes. I apologize now for the pouring of real emotion.

I just needed to say this. 

Dear _____,

I've started this letter at least 10 times. I've never been good at starting a letter so I guess in this case, it's made it even harder for me. I guess I should quit stalling and just get down to it. I don't know if you'll ever read this but I thought I should let you know what I'm thinking and also clear the air. First of all, I miss you. Plain and simple. I think about you more than I probably should. I wonder how you are and what you've been up to. I let my mind wander and I think of us. The times that we were together and how happy I was being with you. I wonder if you're happy now and if you ever think of me in a good way. The thought that you might, makes my heart beat a little faster. 

Recently, I've found myself thinking of you a lot more often. Don't ask me why, because I don't have the answer. I wish I did. I know that if you really wanted to talk to me, you'd get ahold of me. Modern technology has made it pretty easy for girls and guys to know when they're being ignored/avoided. I don't know what twisted stories you've heard but I want to clear the air about a few things. #1 I never cheated on you physically or emotionally. You may honestly think that I did but I didn't. You of all people should know that I wouldn't. #2 After you broke my heart the 2nd time that's when I knew to let go of the hope. That's all I had to hold on to and when you took that away I knew that you didn't think I was the one. If you did you wouldn't have hurt me like that. Maybe you did it without even knowing it? I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. #3 Regardless of what outside parties may or may not have told you. I never secretly said any harsh remarks that you hadn't heard before. It was nothing new and I'm sure it was blown up into a large drama fest that some choose to feed on. #4 I love my blog. I like to come here and write my thoughts. And they are exactly that....my thoughts. Some people have a vice well maybe this one is mine depending on how you look at it. 

After things just stopped, I started hearing things that I wished I hadn't. Whispers of  lying, cheating and manipulation. I guess I should have always kept my guard up...with you I didn't want to. You always had a way of making me feel like it was just you and I. Whether it was or wasn't...well I can't answer for your end. At this point it doesn't matter. It's in the past. I just want you to know that I'm here. I miss you. I think of you and I wish we could talk. You may never want to speak to me but just know that I really wish you would. I still care for you and I think about you every single day.

-J

PS: I leave you with what I once called my theme song to life after heartbreak 1. 

Say you're sorry That face of an angel comes out Just when you need it to As I pace back and forth all this time  'Cause I honestly believed in you Holdin' on, The days drag on Stupid girl  I should've known, I should've known

That I'm not a princess This ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around.

Maybe I was naïve, Got lost in your eyes I never really had a chance. My mistake I didnt know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.  I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings;  Now I know

I'm not a princess This ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around.

And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, Begging for me Just like I always wanted, But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess  This aint a fairytale Im gonna find someone, Some day Who might actually treat me well. This is a big world, That was a small town There in my rearview mirror,  Disappearing now. And it's too late for you and your White Horse, Now its too late for you and your White Horse To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh Try and catch me now Whoa-Oh It's too late To catch me now.