Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A First

I've got something super fabulous going on today (that I'll talk about tomorrow) so I thought I'd open up Crazy Shenanigans to a guest. So without further ado, my first post by a guest blogger. Let's all say a hello to, Ms.Random from Random Ramblings

Dear Reader(s),

I am so excited to be a guest blogger for Jennifer today! I have had an amazing time getting to know more about her over the past few months and can't believe she would allow me to dominate an entire day on her blog. Thank you, Jennifer!

After discussing a few of the posts I had written to share with my readers over the next couple of weeks, Ms. Crazy and I chose the following to post on her site today. There are times when I am "light and fun," but this particular post is on the more serious side of my life. It involves an ex, a mistake and the desire to overcome!

I have been in a bit of a love-funk over the past several months. (OKay, to be honest, it has actually been going on for longer than I care to think about.) I have only met a handful of men over the past 5 years that I have truly considered being in a romantic relationship with. Some of them became extremely good friends, but none ever sought me out for more. (I don't care to get into the reasons currently.) This "situation" has caused me to wander from the path and pursue relationships that were all wrong for me. (OKay, there I go lying again. I pursued A relationship that was unhealthy.)

In my post on Sunday, I discussed my deepest desire: to be married. Back in August of last year, I lost all hope of this dream every becoming a reality and it caused me to stumble, more like throw, myself into the arms of a man that I should never have trusted. I'm not trying to place the blame on him for my actions in any way; I knew better. We have been down that road many times before and it has never worked out. However, I began to wonder:
Could I love him completely?
Could he love me completely?
Could we be happy together?
Could I give myself to him with no regrets?
Could this be the only man that will have me?

We finally hit rock bottom in our "relationship" almost two months ago and have now had to sever all ties to one another. I can't begin to express the shame, humiliation and hurt this caused me. I can't begin to tell you how he truly feels because he never expressed it. All I know is that I chased after the wrong man and was left crying on the shoulder of my family and friends when he tired of me.

This past Wednesday, my sister-in-law and I decided to sample Taylor Swift's album Fearless.As we were going through the list of songs, we came across one named White Horse. Mrs. Awesome's first words? "This album may not be the best idea for you right now." You think?

It isn't all his fault. In the beginning I told him I would never want to be with him for the long-hall; he isn't even close to fulfilling THE List. He was under the strong impression that I would never love him and he had no knowledge of what I was completely feeling and contemplating. I wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that we couldn't make it. I was searching for a conclusion that God actually provided years ago. I experimented with his feelings towards me and he used me to build up his ego and discarded me once he was built up enough to pursue another woman. (He has never seen my worth and I have never understood that.)

He never officially asked for my forgiveness, but he has it none-the-less. He never begged for me to be a part of his life again, but I miss him none-the-less. He never asked to be my prince charming, but I was secretly hoping he would be none-the-less. Stupid girl.
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6 comments:

jenn said...

ms random...great post girl!
keep your head up...the RIGHT man is out there...

Kelly Marie said...

What a great post..keep your head up Ms. Random (:

Samantha the ArmyWife said...

AWWw how sad. Mrs. Random: Don't settle. Relationships, Marriage more specifically involve constant compromise in order to be successful and happy. Either way, you shouldn't doubt yourself or your worth (just bc your ex didn't value you, does not mean you don't have worth). Confidence is sexy. Confidence attracts others. :) Keep your head up.
It's funny they say when you stop searching for what you want is when you'll actually find it. Cliche, yes. But it was true none-the-less for me.
Good luck girl. :)

Katie said...

I'm so sorry! Beautifully written!

ModernMom said...

Oh yes, love can stink, but when you do stumble into the right place at the right time it can be all kinds of wonderful! Stay strong:)

Ms. Random said...

Thank you so much for having me, Jennifer! It was such an awesome privilege!

Thank you to all the uplifting comments, ladies! I am hanging on for the man of my "dreams!"